Thursday, April 7, 2011

Her last days...

I am going to be honest with you folks. It is hard to admit this, but it’s true. I have been feeling guilty. Not from sin or something I did, but from the feeling that someone’s life just ended too soon. Before you jump to conclusions or thoughts about what I am trying to say, let me just try and explain…

I know and I trust that God has an amazing plan for my life. He says so in His word (Jeremiah 29:11 for your reference). I believe this more now than ever because He spared my life. He healed me and I am so unbelievably thankful to be here today. He gave me a wonderful life full of family and friends. He blessed me with an amazing Christian heritage. He gave me so much that I don’t deserve.

I really do believe all of that; however my donor is constantly on my mind. I don’t know who she was. I don’t know her family. I just know that she was way too young to die. Sometimes I lay down with my hand across my heart just feeling my heart beat. Immediately I breathe in a nice deep breath with a smile across my face (like you would with the thought of, ‘aaaah finally’), but many times tears come streaming down my face. I cry because I feel that it is unfair she is dead and I am alive. I was dying and ready to leave this earth if it was God’s will. She died a quick death where she may have not had time to say good bye. What if she wasn’t a Christian? What if she wasn’t ready to go? What if her family arrived too late to hold her hand and kiss her forehead? What if she left a child behind…or a husband? Why am I here and not her?

I know that a year ago I was fighting for my life. I desperately wanted to live. My donor and my donor family came to my mind so much last March and April. I would fall asleep praying for them. I prayed God would bring my future donor close to Him. I prayed He would give this family a peace with their thoughtful decision.

I often wonder what she was doing when I was in the hospital dying. I really hope she was having the time of her life. I am forever indebted to this family. I feel like I have somewhat of another family out there somewhere. I know that Jesus formed my old heart and the heart I have now, but I also know my heart was originally beating in someone else’s chest (for many years…). This heart was created/formed/made by two other parents out there. It’s a weird feeling. I want to meet them. I want to thank them. I want them to hear their daughter’s heart beating. I want them to know her heart is still alive and well.



Thank you, Father, for blessing me because of the graciousness of someone else. My heart is so heavy for my donor family. A year ago, these days were their very last with their precious
daughter/mother/sister/friend/wife, so please comfort them. Show them you are there. Give them peace. Hold them. As I pray for them right now, I hope you are holding my donor in your strong arms. You are so great.

8 comments:

  1. Meg...I am once again in awe of your love, honesty, and maturity. I know that it must be so hard for you to take the reality of your new life, but know that, like you said, God has a definite plan in all of this. I look forward to hearing about the day that you meet your "2nd family", and show them how much they have blessed you with their gift. I know that sharing that gorgeous smile and bubbly personality will give them joy...they will find peace knowing that their loss healed such a wonderful person. I love you so much. Can't wait to celebrate later this month :)

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  2. Megan, that is such a beautiful thing to share your real feelings with those who are blessed to read this. Yes, you are here for a reason and a purpose and I know that one day you will realize what it is. We all have a purpose and a gift that is only God given and I believe that your's is to be an inspiration to others. May God continue to shower you with these blessings and you will reach out others with your strong sense of words. Love ya, Jaybee...

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  3. Meg, What an absolutely amazing post! I remember praying all the time for the donor family before but what a great reminder to continue to keep them in prayer as you so beautifully said. I'm sure it must be a strange, albeit greatful feeling to know you have someone else's heart beating in you. You will be a blessing to the family when they get to meet you. It is so exciting to see what God is doing and will continue to do thru you. Love you precious girl! Mama Stine

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  4. You are amazing! I love you so much! I believe that someday you will meet your second family and your love, thoughtfulness and gratitude for them and God will give them peace knowing they made the right choice!

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  5. Ahh, Megs, I ache for this family, too. Thanks for your beautiful words that express all our family's sentiments so well. Someday when we meet your donor's family, they are going to receive such comfort from knowing their loved one's heart beats on in such a lovely person. I love you so. ~Mom

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  6. I do understand how you are feeling. My biggest prayer when they were working me up for the transplant list was Lord, please don't allow someone to die that isn't ready to meet you because I am. I didn't want someone to enter eternity without knowing Christ. God choose to bring my healing without a transplant so I have to believe my potential donor is still living today because of that prayer. God knows your heart.....He knew you wanted that person to be someone ready to go. Trust in that.

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  7. Megan, as someone who has had her new heart for 18 years, let me tell you that you are not alone if these feelings. Having said that, the best I can do is live my life in honor of my donor. If you would like to chat sometime, you can reach me through my gmail ukidz1@gmail.com

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  8. Your very powerful words stir up strong emotions this morning as I read. Thank you.

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