I don’t know why God chose me to go through this, but He did for a reason and I am excited to see what comes of it. Oddly enough, I am thankful that He chose me to experience this obstacle. It is definitely hard, but I would rather be dealing with this than someone who is not strong enough. I would also not want to watch any of my family or friends go through this. God is not going to put something in our lives that we cannot handle. So, knowing that He feels I am strong enough to handle living on a 24 hour IV medicine to keep my heart going, being strong one moment and weak the next, having a defibrillator to shock my heart if needed, vomiting almost everything I eat, being on a heart transplant list, etc…makes me happy. My God KNOWS I can get through this, and come out stronger on the other side! Father, through this I demonstrate that You are enough. Come what may.
My days are getting tougher. I have a strong day here and there (like today), but for the most part I am very weak. When a good day comes I am still very weak, but maybe I can hold some food down while watching a little HGTV. The rest of my days I am lying on the couch all day long while experiencing a complete lack of appetite and not even enough energy to Facebook or watch TV. If I do try and eat something most likely it will come back up within the hour. I am losing a lot of weight, which is taking me for an emotional roller coaster ride. I must admit, my legs look better but not being able to fit into any of my clothes takes a toll on a girl. I am someone who likes to look presentable, and “in style”. When all I have to wear are baggy clothes or sweat pants with the draw string pulled super tight, I do not look or feel like me. Thankfully my sister, Mandi, who was always smaller than me lent me some jeans that fit oh so well! Now, I have something to wear when I have doctor’s appointments, or when I have a strong day to maybe make a 30 minute trip out with mom.
So many questions come to mind… Will I get a heart transplant? Will He choose to heal my own heart? How long will I be waiting? Only time will tell and I must be patient. It’s hard to be so patient when I am longing to feel good again. I want to wake up and my first thought not be, “Is this going to be a good or bad day?” I want to live life again like a 20 something and hang out with friends, go to work and come home late. I am tired physically of lying on the couch all day long, and not having enough energy to even carry on a conversation at times. It is embarrassing to have someone come up and talk to you and literally not be able to say more than a few words back because of shortness of breath. I cry because I cannot belt out singing along to my favorite songs, for once again, it makes me out of breath. It is a strange feeling being too weak to shower and not being able to wash my own hair. Thankfully, I have a mom that is willing to do whatever it takes to make me comfortable. It is hard when friends want to come over to see me, but I can never give them a definite time because I never know how I am going to feel on that particular day. Am I going to lose my friends, because I cancel on them? Do they understand that I am for real when one day is good, and the next day (or even moment) can be horrible? When I get better, will I already be forgotten?
I am a child of God. That thought alone gives me great comfort. He is really trying to do something in my life right now, and I am SO eager to see the outcome. He has brought that verse found in John to my mind several times lately. So many nights I cannot sleep soundly through the night because I am feeling sick, or because I simply cannot fall asleep. Just like a small baby wakes up in the night and cries loudly for mom or dad I have been waking up and crying loudly for my Heavenly Father. “Show me, Father, teach me”. “Tell me what you want me to learn from this, so it can all be over”. “Hold me, and comfort me”. Just like a mom and dad comforts the small baby, my Father comforts me. I am a child of God. (John 1:12)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Playing it by ear...
Here is a journal entry I wrote in the beginning of March. March was a very difficult month. Literally one day could be great, and the next day could be the worst. There was no possible way to plan anything. My life was now, “Play it by ear”, in every situation.