February 8, 2010
I am sitting here listening to my “Relaxing” music folder from Pandora and thinking about everything that has happened in my life the past couple months. One word stands out, “Wow”. Who thinks they would go through something like this? Like me, everyone seems to think they are invincible. I have watched TV shows and movies and seen sick people living in the hospital or living on IV’s, and never thought one day that would be me. I never thought that I, Megan Moss, would be dependent on a medicine to stay alive. It definitely makes me take a step back and re-evaluate my life. For what/who am I living? What am I doing to pass my time? Am I living my life to the fullest? Am I the person I want to be?
The last couple months have been difficult. However I have had this unbelievable peace about everything. I really feel everything is going to be okay, and when it is all over I am going to come out stronger than before (physically, emotionally and spiritually). I know that somehow and some way God is going to receive the glory from this. I feel sometimes that I should be breaking down most nights, crying myself to sleep, but Jesus has given me strength and I know I couldn’t go through this without His help. I am embarrassed to admit that it takes a huge trial to grow closer to Jesus, but it did. I knew everything before, but I really feel everything now. I have learned to pray and to enjoy it. Prayer use to seem difficult to me, but now I realize it is really just talking. You can say anything you want, and whenever you want, and even wherever you want. Often, I end up praying myself to sleep. I turn off the music in my car and pray/talk to God. I am alone, and what a great time to talk to Him. Why do I have to be kneeling at my bedside? He is supposed to be my friend (John 15:15) and I can talk to Him wherever I want!
When I was in the hospital this January, one particular night I was feeling very nauseous, jittery, and couldn’t fall asleep. I found myself tossing and turning, while watching my precious mom sleep in the uncomfortable recliner chair next to me. At that time this feeling was happening most nights, but this night I did something different. At the end of praying, I asked Jesus to just come down and spoon with me. I was already turned on my side, so why not just ask? Around two minutes later I felt a complete calmness over me. I was no longer jittery and nauseous. I will never forget the night I fell asleep in Jesus’ arms.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Feelings from February...
This post will let you in on the thoughts I was feeling and the questions I had during that time. The following journal entry was written two days after I was released from my January/February hospital stay. The last paragraph explains why the particular night in the hospital went from horrible to amazing.